My personal war

From an email to a friend:

This may sound a little melodramatic, but recently I started my own little war. It just happens to be a war against myself, or more specifically, a war on my "little ego".

After my first two attempts to hit Zen and meditation very hard -- and it hitting back even harder -- I thought I decided never to do this again. So getting out the zafu and zabuton every day and meditating is a big undertaking for me. At times like this I have a tendency to shut down to the outside world. It's like kisses and hugs goodbye, and I'm down the road.

I'm not sure that I'm ready to do this, but I don't know how I can ever be fully ready, and I'm also aware that time is running out. So it's time to kill the little ego, and kill the Buddha too (don't worry, that's an okay thing to say, and I understand what it means).